It is...As It Should Be.

As 2011 comes to an end, most of us are taking time to reflect on the lives we lived during this past year and whether or not we've grown since the year before. This is the time when we weigh out the choices that we made, people who have come and gone, and whether or not we've learned from our past mistakes. For me, this year was about obtaining spiritual balance.  For years now, I've put my spirituality on the back burner and allowed the practical side of life to take over. I isolated myself from the idea or belief that God in all His splendor truly cared about my existence or that I had any control over my destiny.  I guess you can say that I unknowingly subscribed to the notion of "It is what it is", and opted not to believe any different.  But that's not the case; my life is NOT what my current circumstance is, its NOT any illness or failed relationship or job or social status. My life, in the simplest of terms, is an energy source that feeds into the rest of this world. Everything else is just fluff that has been created by my Ego.

Ah the Ego, that part of ourselves that tells us we can't do something, believes that we're not worthy of love and goes out of its way to sabotage every potentially wonderful experience that presents itself. The Ego uses fear as an energy source and goes into protect mode whenever we are faced with situations that go beyond our own comfort levels. A wonderful friend of mine told me something this year that has resonated with me ever since. He told me that the Ego is the false sense of who we really are, a contradiction of our true potential; and that I have allowed my Ego to rob me of inner peace. At first I was offended by his words, I felt as though he was accusing me of being self absorbed or conceited in some way. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized he was speaking the truth.

You see, I lived in constant fear, not of my past because I had already dealt with that through therapy, but I had become consumed by a paralyzing fear of the future.  My mind had become a breeding ground for virtually every worst case scenario and morbid fear known to man. And while I struggled to remain afloat, with flailing arms, in the deep ocean of mine own fears, the very essence of my life was slipping by. It was very sobering to think that I was disrespecting the most precious gift that can be given, Life, and the way I was disrespectful to it was by not living in the present.

So how did I go about changing this? Well, one night while laying in bed, I asked myself a very basic question; What did my dinner taste like? I remember that I made an Italian dish with pasta, but I could not tell you how it tasted or if I even liked the dish I prepared, because the entire time I was cooking it, I was thinking about the car battery that I now needed but did not have the money for, and wondered how I would get my son to school and myself to work.  I could remember vividly the tears that filled my eyes that almost landed in the boiling water, but I could not recall the scent of the fresh rosemary and olive oil that wafted around me as the water boiled.  I could see the look on my face as I poured myself a glass of premium Malbec, thinking I could have used the money I paid for this bottle towards a bill or said battery, but I could not recall the wine's maker or vintage, or even the bouquet.

How sad that I could not enjoy a simple meal without fear and dread plaguing me.  I had forgotten how much I love food and wine.  I thought about the days when I would build a meal around a good wine or when I'd critiqued a new varietal in my wine journal. I glanced up at the dusty bookshelf across the room where my journal and other wine books stood. I thought about how long it had been since I had gone into a wine store just to window shop, or the last time I went wine tasting.

 I sat there in silence, feeling like a fool for being so ignorant to life.  I had the opportunity that night to partake in something greater than my troubles. If my mind was present in that moment, I would have appreciated that my son helped me prepare the meal, that the bottle of wine that I opened received a 90 point rating and took first prize at the world of wine festival earlier in the year. I would have felt that at that very moment, at that hour of the day, all of my needs were met. I had food on the table, a roof over my head, my children were safe and content and the things that I had set out to do for the day were all accomplished. For all intents and purposes, it was a good day. That would have been me living in the present, but instead I was in full panic mode. So there was my task; to learn to live in the present... by far THEE most difficult thing to do.

But the truth is, it can be acheived. Think about it: Lets just say that God has given you this amazing talent and the moment of truth presents itself, or that you've met someone whom you know is extraordinary to the point to where you feel they are a part of your destiny; but rather than act on it you let the moments pass you by for fear of the "what if's". What if they don't like me, what if I fail, what if the business goes under or what if he or she says "no". So??? What if one or all of those things were to happen, does life end there? Do you cease to exist or would you continue on, a much wiser and more couragous "you" than ever  before? I know now, with every fiber of my being that the answer is the latter. No matter the outcome, life will undoubtedly go on, with a new and greater path to follow.

So the moral of the story is LIVE. In every moment, every situation you are presented with, live it out to the fullest. Start and end your day by taking a deep breath. The inhale is you  breathing in the tasks and challenges of the day with grace and confidence. And the exhale is your way of saying "Mission accomplished."  God has given us all a truly precious gift; His present to us is ironically called "The Present", so honor Him by not wasting it.

What an awesome way to end this year... at peace. ~

*Cheers*

I think...Therefore...

“You deserve all the best in life…” As soon as those words left his lips I knew…it was over before it ever got started.  Sure enough, a connection that had tremendous potential was unexplainably severed and I…was…crushed. My senses became intertwined; Suddenly I could taste my thoughts, I could feel the sound of my tears; I could see the stench of my heartache. Why was this happening, how does something so fantastic and so vivid come to such an abrupt end for no reason other  than life’s uncontrollable bullshit. And the irony of it considering that the one before him suffered a similar fate, coming to the realization that his life was out of balance; which apparently didn’t allow for any time or space for a relationship. And prior to him there was the tool who had just gotten out of an 8 year “thing”, and was clearly not ready to move on (why was he dating??). So as I sat on the edge of my bed wondering how I ended up in the seventh circle of emotional hell, I posed a question; Why was I consistently being dumped over a technicality, and how was it that out of all the men on the planet, I had become a magnet for those who are emotionally, phychologicaly and sometimes physically unavailable? Okay…two questions.

So  I posed the aforementioned to my thrapist, who proceeded to  answer me in the most inconvenient of ways…by asking ME questions. “How much time do you devote to yourself everyday?” He asked matter of factly. Popping my collar in confidence, I quickly replied “I always make sure to set aside time just for me.” “Doing what?”, he asked. Now slightly irritated, I snort “Look, I know its important to make time for me, so I go to the gym a lot, I read, I go for walks, I watch whatever movies I want, I cook, I drink wine.” “Wow,” he said. Those are all really great things.” Uh huh, wait for it. “ Its interesting though,” he continued, “that inspite of acknowledging the value of your own space and time, that you don’t feel your own self worth when it comes to men. Me: “What the Hell does that mean??! ”Him:  “Something within you is sending a signal that says “ I don’t feel worthy”, so you find yourself attracting and being attracted to men who are simply out of reach.  So tell me; When  did you stop believing that you are worthy of a man’s time?” Ummm...alrighty then.

I could feel the heat rising from the top of my head as I pondered, not the content of his question, but rather the implication that I was still somehow engrossed in this horrible realm of self loathing; that after all these years I was still seething over the pre-conceived notion of not being able to find a single ounce of worth in me. Really?????  But the truth of the matter is he’s right, I don’t feel I’m worthy of a man’s time or energy; never have. I mean why else would I put up with guys who are clearly wrapped up in their own lives and agendas? What could possibly be the appeal in being told I’m too busy for you, or that my life circumstance is far more important to me than you? Only a person with little or no self worth would ever accept that type of rejection over and over again.  Yeah, I did not see this one coming at all.

So it turns out that I actually know the origin of this warped thinking.  It stems from the first time I ever loved someone, back when I was just 15 years old. That someone looked at me like I was the most god awful ugly thing that ever lived. So I became grateful just to speak to him. I treasured every little acknowledgement he gave me as though he was doing me this tremendous favor by knowing that I existed. I kept that mindset years into our “friendship”, and even beyond it. That mindset followed me into my marriage, my divorce, and now even into my latter years. And even though that insecure little girl is physically long gone, her pain appears the very moment I allow myself to feel something for a man that I know is out of reach.  Yes, I said I know these men are out of reach. This isn’t some unconscious choice I’m making, I’m fully aware that these men can and will hurt me at some point because the main the qualities that are important to me I know they don’t posess. Its like I’m choosing them in order to validate my unworthiness, all because I allowed some 15 year old self absorbed asshole to treat me like I was the ugly duckling, get it? (No worries, I have zero hard feelings towards my friend, this is MY issue).

So now that I have found the source of my disturbed thinking, now what? Well,  the beauty of self discovery is that now I get to change this shit around for the better! Now, I must affirm on a daily basis that I am INDEED WORTH IT, and that any man within eye and ear range should consider it an honor just to be breathing the same air…okay, maybe not THAT extreme but you get the idea. I must believe what I already know…that I am very much worthy of all the love and time and energy that the RIGHT man has to give, and hopefully in time, I’ll get to experience it. Will this new thought process happen overnight, hell no; but at least I'm on the right track.  In the meantime, I'm gonna take time to focus on all the things I love about me. The goal here is that if I love what I see looking back at me in the mirror, that someday someone else will too. *Exhale*

Love Letters To The Wind

This is a very special post, probably the most personal thing I've ever written. But my therapist was so moved by this session that he suggested I share it. "Everyone knows this pain", he said tearfully. "It has many names and many faces, I'm sure it will resinate with everyone, Lord knows it did with me." So here it is, the very last of the emotional clutter.

Prologue~

In my last therapy session, I told my therapist that I was finally ready to deal with a part of my past that I've kept off limits for the past 4 years. He was delighted and anxious, and I was down right morified.  I didn't know what to expect or how to even go there, so I figured the best way to do this was to write it all down. What I ended up with is this letter....

July 15, 2011

Dear Occupant:

If you are reading this letter, it means I’m either dead or in therapy (and trust me if I had to choose between the two, death would be the far less painful option). It makes no logical sense why I’m writing this now, considering all that life has said and done over the past quarter century. But apparently some truths have been left unspoken and well, since this is my party, I have decided to share these truths with you so that I can finally be able to rest in peace…or in pieces, depending on which of the two above options are in play.

 I have kept all of  this hidden somewhere in the deepest part of me, a place that I swore never to revisit again. But I’m at a point in my life where things are finally starting to make sense, and I’ve purged so many god-awful pains and experiences that I’ve allowed to plague me all this time. So I have to take an abnormal stance and be selfish just this once, for my sake, for your sake…for love’s sake. So please take these words to heart, because they are absolute…

*Deep Breath*

You are my genesis, the beginning of everything that has ever meant anything to me. Seeing you for the first time was  like getting my first glimpse of the sun, so blinding and unexpected. I was drawn in instantly, and at that moment it seemed as though every ounce of common sense left my body. You were the day’s warmth and laughter, and the night’s gentle breeze against my skin. Your voice stayed on repeat in my head; like the flyest lyric over the dopest beat.  Your friendship to me was my life line, an unquenchable thirst that nourished me, lifted me, made me seek out the better parts of me. You taught me too much, moved me too much, yet asked of me very little. Our vibe was limitless, devoid of any rules or expectations. The people who dared to be close to us were sidelined when we were present; it was unintentional, but undeniable. We flowed, we followed no script. We were… Weightless.

But as we teetered along the border between friends…and lovers, my mind shut my heart down. I did what anyone would do, wondered why not? Why, if we were so good to and for each other, could we not be a “we”, instead of a me feeling this way, and a you simply not feeling me. Soon, my love for our friendship  became a blind obsession, and it became all about you.  I knew you saw traces, felt my not so subtle hints and did what you could to spare me the inevitable hurt that awaited me. But I allowed myself to continue on like a love sick child, and it cost me everything. If there has ever been anything that I have regretted more in my entire life, its that I refused to take heed to your refusal of me. It’s that very regret that I’ve kept with me for so long, and it's time that I can never get back.

So the irrevocable truth is, you are thee absolute love of my life. A 25 year old wish list that no one has since been able to fulfill. You set the bar high in the Heavens, unattainable by anyone else on the Earth. So I’ve kept you hidden away in the depths of my soul, a place where I can only feel and not see. It is the place where I am most beautiful, the place where our connection began…a place where I couldn’t be hurt.  But my soul has outgrown this tiny space that I shoved it into, and its longing to run free. So it’s time that I let go.

I’ve done away with most of the things that have plagued my life throughout the years, but this here…. I’ve been afraid to face because it is the purest love that I have ever given in my entire life.  For a while, it was my only proof that real love truly existed, but now I have my kids, and its their love that now sustains me, always.

So I am asking you to forgive me for everything,  for every crazy call, insane letter, or out of control action that I did all those years ago, and know that I never meant to cause you any worry or stress of any kind. It was love, the most intense love I have ever experienced in my life, and I was young and unprepared for it. I was a young girl who found her soul mate at the tender age of 15, and who’s spent the better part of her life trying to find one equal to, or better. But in my heart, I know and have accepted that  there may never be anyone remotely close to you, so I have made a place for you to exist on the highest summit of my conscience. It's far enough away from my mind and heart to not interfere with any new love, a place that only my soul can visit.

Although I wasn’t able to tell you these things face to face, it gives me comfort knowing that this truth is out in the cosmos, creating its own path in some other dimension outside of ourselves. My prayer is that your heart will someday know the depths of the love that existed for you, and that if you should ever wonder whether or not your life had any meaning or purpose, that you would recall the woman who found herself because of you.~

From Here to...

Its early Saturday morning, June 18, 2011; two days before I celebrate another milestone. Yes, the time has come for me to say hello to the big 4-0. The first question that comes to my mind is "How in the hell did 39 years pass by so quickly??" There are so many vivid memories swirling around in my head that seem like they just occurred, and yet, most of them happened over 2 decades ago. That is crazy to me!! But alas, here I am turning the corner and heading straight down the road to .....Middle Age. *Sigh*. I've spent the past couple of weeks milling over a lot of things, and while sifting through my mental Rolodex I came across very poignant realization: each decade of my life has been a process and the life lessons learned in each decade has carried over into the next.

My teen years were just plain awkward. I mean, not only was I a complete troll, but I was also consumed by religion; so my entire perception of who I was just didnt make any sense. Here I was, this living, breathing, hormonal ugly specimen of a girl, trying to make her way through everyday life with no guidance whatsoever other than people reminding me of the things I shouldn't be doing. I remember having crushes on boys who wouldn't give me the time of day, the desire of wanting to be touched and kissed, and fearing that I was going to be condemned to Hell for having sexual thoughts. I remember feeling trapped, like there wasn't any place I could go where I could express my desires without burning in Hell for it. And then I was introduced to secular music. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't completely living under a rock. I knew who was hot and what was being played on the radio, but it was frowned upon to be listening to it so I didn't bother. But on a cool Fall afternoon in 1988, my then best friend and I were driving along in his yellow VW Beetle and the most beautifully haunting song came on. I asked him who this was and he said "This is Sting, and the song is called Fragile." That very moment sparked the beginning of my love for music and my entire life was transformed. I was turned on to Peter Gabriel, Genisis, Tori Amos, Alanis Morresette, Mi'shell N'dge Ocello, Enigma and the Art of Noise; just to name a few. And that led me to explore music from the past from Jazz greats like Ella, Sarah, Duke, Dizzy and Miles, to classic rock, to funk and soul. I found Heaven; I finally found a place to go where all of my hopes, my dreams, my desires, my passions and even my faith would be safe; a place where I would always be accepted. I don't think my friend ever knew what he did for me, and I never got the chance to say thank you, hopefully one day he'll read this and know what his purpose in my life was.

I spent my 20's trying to figure out how to be a grown up, stumbling around clueless about pretty much everything and struggling just to gain all of the basic needs for survival. This decade for me was truly about self identity and learning the in's and out's of what being a woman entails. My heart had a revolving door on it during this time, and there were way too many names and faces to even try and count. This was when I experienced true heartbreak and betrayal for the first time, and sadly enough was too young to know how to deal with it. I got a crash course in boundaries and when not to cross them. I learned that obession can cost you everything, and that there isn't an easy way to say let go of the familiar. I found my rebellious side, my alter ego was born and she took no prisoners. Oh, and let's not forget the insane amount of "greenery" that I was exposed to LOL. It was a bizarre decade, filled with memories both magical and morbid. But it was when I believe I learned the most about myself as a woman, with the help of a few good men :)

Now my 30's were truly epic. I did the most damage here, but in the best of ways. This was when I decided to take charge of my life and stop allowing others to dictate it for me. I moved out of state, went to school and got my first degree and began singing jazz and making a name for myself. I guess you could say my life purpose was finally starting to make sense, or so I thought. But then as with all things, I was completely derailed when I lost my mother. It just seems like life no longer had any color; it became bland and mundane and all of my relationships suffered because of it including my marriage. I had to learn how to find balance between the three constants of life: mind, body and spirit, and learn how to cater to each of them. I discovered solitude in this decade and while I was there I saw myself for the first time....and loathed what I saw. But over time, and with the help of a brilliant therapist, I was able to let go of all of my past faults, all of the failed attempts at love, all of the anger and resentment I harbored towards friends and loved ones and finally forgive myself. I learned what passion is and how to tap into it without being overcome by it. I learned to love my body and be comfortable in my skin, and NOT obsess over not being a size 6. I learned that life long friendships change because people change, and that it's okay to set them free. But I think the greatest lesson I learned is one that I guess I've known all my life but had to finally accept ; God loves me, no matter how much I've screwed up. He doesn't give a shit about how many tattooes I have, or the music I listen to, or the clothes I wear or even how full my little black book has gotten over the years. HE LOVES ME!! Damn all of the religious nonsense I was force fed over the years, no matter what, He has my back and as long as that fact remains true in my heart, then my three constants (mind, body, and spirit) will stay in balance.

So this is what I will be taking into my 40's. I cannot begin to tell you how excited I am to see what this decade will bring! All of the amazing women in my life who have already crossed this threshold have said the same thing; "Life truly begins at 40." That statement makes sense to me now, considering everything I've gone through to get to this point in my life; my kids growing up, the start of a new career that I love, and even opening myself up to love again. It truly does feel like now I can actually "live" my life instead of spending all my time trying to figure it out. So the moral of the this story is I'm BLESSED beyond words to have made it this far on my journey, and I look forward to what the next decade will bring me. Come on 40's, LET'S DO THIS!!!

I want to thank each of you who have been a part of my life this far, regardless of what the outcome of our interaction is or was, just know that you played a part in my becoming the woman I am today. And if you're brave enough to hang on for the next part of the saga, strap on and hold on tight :)

*CHEERS*

Meaning well when it was never meant...

"Some of the worst things imaginable have been done with the best intentions."

-Dr. Grant, Jurassic Park

As most of you know, my first blog had to do with me being in search of new home (physically). But in light of recent events; i.e. the new career, I decided to shift my focus away from leaving sunny California, to me finally being at home internally. In other words, I’m now embarking on a journey to come to terms with my own comfort level in matters of the heart, the mind/body and the spirit. Now while this may seem like just another chaotic quest down a road less traveled, the subject matter just so happens to be something that I am extremely proficient in; my life, and the bullshit it entails. So enough with this intro stuff, let me get right down to my first issue: Married Folks…

I have had the privilege of meeting and interacting with some pretty amazing people throughout my life, but by far the most fascinating of the bunch are married folks. I say this because when I’m around them, I get to see first hand that obvious disconnect from all things single that occurred from the moment they said “I do”. I mean I’m no stranger to the mentality, having said those words twice myself I know exactly what it feels like to remove yourself from the land of many faces just so you can orbit around one person’s existence, hopefully til death do you part. It’s bewildering, it’s magical and even beautiful when its done right. But the longer married folks are indeed married, the less likely they are capable of knowing what it means to be single. So with that being common knowledge, why is it that my dearly loved married friends still find it necessary to offer me advice on a subject that they CLEARLY know nothing about????

So after many MANY offerings from my married friends of what I, a single, middle-aged, head strong, mother of two should do to find my dream guy, I figured I would use this platform to simply say “STOP!!!!!” Hear me when I say that the words; “He’s out there some where” are NOT comforting to me and in fact insinuate that I’ve somehow misplaced this man, and that I’m not doing my due diligence to find him because he’s too illusive and/or more clever than me. In adding to the ever growing list of “Things not to say to single people”, I would also include: “There’s someone for everyone”, “Don’t give up”, “Love takes time”, oh and my personal favorite “Sometimes you have to sift through the duds to find that stud.” Shoot me now and bury me in a shallow grave, please.

Also, please know that offering up suggestions for “Hot Spots” is so not a good idea either, based on what I mentioned earlier about married people being disconnected from single life. Libraries/bookstores are now obsolete, thanks to the wonderful invention
Kindle and other e-readers. Clubs and bars are COMPLETELY out of the question because I’m no longer 20…(although I will be exploring the Cougar option in later blogs). Playing tennis, volleyball, softball or any other sport is not the best thing for me either, because I’m competitive and will stop at nothing to beat my opponent; thus challenging his manhood. And the gym, again is definitely a no go due to the competitive thing. So what does that leave, Church?…..do I even have to say anything? And finally, the icing on this horrid cake would have to be setting me up on a date. If you value our friendship in any way, you will never begin a conversation with “I know this guy…”. This conversation will always end in tears, and not my own.

So what have we learned here class?? Please, don’t feed the animals!! Understand that I am not sad and desperate, and I’m most definitely NOT trying to gain answers from folks who are already spoken for and who have no clue what it is like to be single in this day and age. After all, what may have worked for you 15 years ago, may not work for me today. If/when I confide in you about a recent occurrence or feeling, just know that that’s all I’m doing, and not looking for answers. My single status is indeed a choice, and not a life sentence, and while it’s taking a long time to finally find the guy I want, I’m truly in no rush. So to all of my married friends; know that I love you and that I understand that you mean well, but for the love of money PLEASE stop the insanity.