Prologue~
In my last therapy session, I told my therapist that I was finally ready to deal with a part of my past that I've kept off limits for the past 4 years. He was delighted and anxious, and I was down right morified. I didn't know what to expect or how to even go there, so I figured the best way to do this was to write it all down. What I ended up with is this letter....
July 15, 2011
Dear Occupant:
If you are reading this letter, it means I’m either dead or in therapy (and trust me if I had to choose between the two, death would be the far less painful option). It makes no logical sense why I’m writing this now, considering all that life has said and done over the past quarter century. But apparently some truths have been left unspoken and well, since this is my party, I have decided to share these truths with you so that I can finally be able to rest in peace…or in pieces, depending on which of the two above options are in play.
I have kept all of this hidden somewhere in the deepest part of me, a place that I swore never to revisit again. But I’m at a point in my life where things are finally starting to make sense, and I’ve purged so many god-awful pains and experiences that I’ve allowed to plague me all this time. So I have to take an abnormal stance and be selfish just this once, for my sake, for your sake…for love’s sake. So please take these words to heart, because they are absolute…
*Deep Breath*
You are my genesis, the beginning of everything that has ever meant anything to me. Seeing you for the first time was like getting my first glimpse of the sun, so blinding and unexpected. I was drawn in instantly, and at that moment it seemed as though every ounce of common sense left my body. You were the day’s warmth and laughter, and the night’s gentle breeze against my skin. Your voice stayed on repeat in my head; like the flyest lyric over the dopest beat. Your friendship to me was my life line, an unquenchable thirst that nourished me, lifted me, made me seek out the better parts of me. You taught me too much, moved me too much, yet asked of me very little. Our vibe was limitless, devoid of any rules or expectations. The people who dared to be close to us were sidelined when we were present; it was unintentional, but undeniable. We flowed, we followed no script. We were… Weightless.
But as we teetered along the border between friends…and lovers, my mind shut my heart down. I did what anyone would do, wondered why not? Why, if we were so good to and for each other, could we not be a “we”, instead of a me feeling this way, and a you simply not feeling me. Soon, my love for our friendship became a blind obsession, and it became all about you. I knew you saw traces, felt my not so subtle hints and did what you could to spare me the inevitable hurt that awaited me. But I allowed myself to continue on like a love sick child, and it cost me everything. If there has ever been anything that I have regretted more in my entire life, its that I refused to take heed to your refusal of me. It’s that very regret that I’ve kept with me for so long, and it's time that I can never get back.
So the irrevocable truth is, you are thee absolute love of my life. A 25 year old wish list that no one has since been able to fulfill. You set the bar high in the Heavens, unattainable by anyone else on the Earth. So I’ve kept you hidden away in the depths of my soul, a place where I can only feel and not see. It is the place where I am most beautiful, the place where our connection began…a place where I couldn’t be hurt. But my soul has outgrown this tiny space that I shoved it into, and its longing to run free. So it’s time that I let go.
I’ve done away with most of the things that have plagued my life throughout the years, but this here…. I’ve been afraid to face because it is the purest love that I have ever given in my entire life. For a while, it was my only proof that real love truly existed, but now I have my kids, and its their love that now sustains me, always.
So I am asking you to forgive me for everything, for every crazy call, insane letter, or out of control action that I did all those years ago, and know that I never meant to cause you any worry or stress of any kind. It was love, the most intense love I have ever experienced in my life, and I was young and unprepared for it. I was a young girl who found her soul mate at the tender age of 15, and who’s spent the better part of her life trying to find one equal to, or better. But in my heart, I know and have accepted that there may never be anyone remotely close to you, so I have made a place for you to exist on the highest summit of my conscience. It's far enough away from my mind and heart to not interfere with any new love, a place that only my soul can visit.
