U, the Untold Story...

As I sit here on the eve of one of the most important days of my life, I find myself trying to come to terms with the fact that in just over 24 hours I will no longer have a uterus. Now in woman speak, this should be grounds for cracking open a bottle of bubbly and performing a ritualistic dance around a bon fire fueled by tampons and maxi pads; and yet I find myself somewhat vexed over the reality of no longer having inside of me, the things that defined me as a woman. Sure I still have both of my breasts which are monumental in and of themselves, but the uterus is what makes us women so uniquely powerful. I mean think about it, we women have the blessed ability to carry life in our guts for 9 months; and though at times we wish we could shove those little life-suckers back where they came from its still a pretty cool power to have...that and the ability to hemorrhage every month for a week without dying; just saying.

Truthfully, my uterus has been retired for 12 years, after a decade of wild and crazy antics. She was a beast in her day, the CEO of all my inner workings just chugging along every month like clockwork. I imagine her now sitting around sharing war stories with my cervix, talking about all the close calls and near misses, and the big 10 pounder she caught 22 years ago, or the 9 pounder that stretched her out so bad that she had to get out of the game for good. I picture her high-fiving the fallopian tubes for always keeping the lines of communication open, and giving the ovaries a hard time so that they can over react and send my hormones into overdrive.  We had plenty of great times and quite a few mishaps, but she never failed me. But like all things without a purpose she lost her way, and allowed some bad things to take over. Maybe getting sick was her way of trying to get my attention, ok fine; but I can certainly think of other ways of doing so without making me go around looking and feeling like I'm in my second trimester, but I digress...
 

So now that she undoubtedly has my attention what could she possibly want with it? That is indeed the million dollar question and one that could have numerous answers; none of which would be wrong or unthoughtful. Its no secret that I've neglected some of the very things that make me who I am, and I am 100% committed to changing that awful statistic. But one of the main things that has gone virtually untouched for the last 2 decades is cherishing what I could do as a woman. I've been so busy trying to conquer man's attention that I completely turned my back on what it means to be "me".  Beyond the stereotypical definitions of me, I'm talking about what makes me stand apart from every woman on this earth. And when you strip down that question to its core, the answer becomes simple; out of all the uteruses  in the world, my children picked mine to call home.

So perhaps what is behind the surrealness of this moment is the fact that the part of me that was responsible for giving life to my 2 incredible sons is leaving me for good. Each of them deemed me womb-worthy for 9 months, and while they were in there I gave them my complete devotion. I made sure to eat what they craved (yes, it was they craved the gallons of ice cream, burnt hot dogs and jalapeno pizzas, not me), I read and sang to them every single day and made sure we went on walks and got plenty of fresh air.  But as soon as they came out, I changed the momentum.  I spent so much time running around like a headless chicken trying to give them things that don't mean shit; taking them here, enrolling them there, buying them this and that, when all they ever really needed or wanted was for me to pay attention to them, like I did without a thought for 9 months. So even though my womb has been empty for quite some time, its still a a reminder of the connection that was first created with my boys, and it feels like the monument to that first connection is being torn down.


So how will it feel to wake up and not see her poking up into my belly? And even though I despise every second of her monthly visits, how will it feel to never have to watch the calendar again or have a miniature feminine hygiene aisle underneath my bathroom sink? How will I see myself afterwards, how will my children or the man in my life see me ? It's such a bizarre mindset, unlike anything I've ever experienced.





 I know in my heart that I will come out of this surgery just fine and that this is medically necessary in order for me to do and feel better; but saying goodbye to an old friend is never easy, especially one who has given me the greatest gifts anyone could ever ask for.  I am truly honored, humbled and grateful to you, dear uterus.

Thanks for everything...and, goodbye.