As 2011 comes to an end, most of us are taking time to reflect on the lives we lived during this past year and whether or not we've grown since the year before. This is the time when we weigh out the choices that we made, people who have come and gone, and whether or not we've learned from our past mistakes. For me, this year was about obtaining spiritual balance. For years now, I've put my spirituality on the back burner and allowed the practical side of life to take over. I isolated myself from the idea or belief that God in all His splendor truly cared about my existence or that I had any control over my destiny. I guess you can say that I unknowingly subscribed to the notion of "It is what it is", and opted not to believe any different. But that's not the case; my life is NOT what my current circumstance is, its NOT any illness or failed relationship or job or social status. My life, in the simplest of terms, is an energy source that feeds into the rest of this world. Everything else is just fluff that has been created by my Ego.
Ah the Ego, that part of ourselves that tells us we can't do something, believes that we're not worthy of love and goes out of its way to sabotage every potentially wonderful experience that presents itself. The Ego uses fear as an energy source and goes into protect mode whenever we are faced with situations that go beyond our own comfort levels. A wonderful friend of mine told me something this year that has resonated with me ever since. He told me that the Ego is the false sense of who we really are, a contradiction of our true potential; and that I have allowed my Ego to rob me of inner peace. At first I was offended by his words, I felt as though he was accusing me of being self absorbed or conceited in some way. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized he was speaking the truth.
You see, I lived in constant fear, not of my past because I had already dealt with that through therapy, but I had become consumed by a paralyzing fear of the future. My mind had become a breeding ground for virtually every worst case scenario and morbid fear known to man. And while I struggled to remain afloat, with flailing arms, in the deep ocean of mine own fears, the very essence of my life was slipping by. It was very sobering to think that I was disrespecting the most precious gift that can be given, Life, and the way I was disrespectful to it was by not living in the present.
So how did I go about changing this? Well, one night while laying in bed, I asked myself a very basic question; What did my dinner taste like? I remember that I made an Italian dish with pasta, but I could not tell you how it tasted or if I even liked the dish I prepared, because the entire time I was cooking it, I was thinking about the car battery that I now needed but did not have the money for, and wondered how I would get my son to school and myself to work. I could remember vividly the tears that filled my eyes that almost landed in the boiling water, but I could not recall the scent of the fresh rosemary and olive oil that wafted around me as the water boiled. I could see the look on my face as I poured myself a glass of premium Malbec, thinking I could have used the money I paid for this bottle towards a bill or said battery, but I could not recall the wine's maker or vintage, or even the bouquet.
How sad that I could not enjoy a simple meal without fear and dread plaguing me. I had forgotten how much I love food and wine. I thought about the days when I would build a meal around a good wine or when I'd critiqued a new varietal in my wine journal. I glanced up at the dusty bookshelf across the room where my journal and other wine books stood. I thought about how long it had been since I had gone into a wine store just to window shop, or the last time I went wine tasting.
I sat there in silence, feeling like a fool for being so ignorant to life. I had the opportunity that night to partake in something greater than my troubles. If my mind was present in that moment, I would have appreciated that my son helped me prepare the meal, that the bottle of wine that I opened received a 90 point rating and took first prize at the world of wine festival earlier in the year. I would have felt that at that very moment, at that hour of the day, all of my needs were met. I had food on the table, a roof over my head, my children were safe and content and the things that I had set out to do for the day were all accomplished. For all intents and purposes, it was a good day. That would have been me living in the present, but instead I was in full panic mode. So there was my task; to learn to live in the present... by far THEE most difficult thing to do.
But the truth is, it can be acheived. Think about it: Lets just say that God has given you this amazing talent and the moment of truth presents itself, or that you've met someone whom you know is extraordinary to the point to where you feel they are a part of your destiny; but rather than act on it you let the moments pass you by for fear of the "what if's". What if they don't like me, what if I fail, what if the business goes under or what if he or she says "no". So??? What if one or all of those things were to happen, does life end there? Do you cease to exist or would you continue on, a much wiser and more couragous "you" than ever before? I know now, with every fiber of my being that the answer is the latter. No matter the outcome, life will undoubtedly go on, with a new and greater path to follow.
So the moral of the story is LIVE. In every moment, every situation you are presented with, live it out to the fullest. Start and end your day by taking a deep breath. The inhale is you breathing in the tasks and challenges of the day with grace and confidence. And the exhale is your way of saying "Mission accomplished." God has given us all a truly precious gift; His present to us is ironically called "The Present", so honor Him by not wasting it.
What an awesome way to end this year... at peace. ~
*Cheers*
