I think...Therefore...

“You deserve all the best in life…” As soon as those words left his lips I knew…it was over before it ever got started.  Sure enough, a connection that had tremendous potential was unexplainably severed and I…was…crushed. My senses became intertwined; Suddenly I could taste my thoughts, I could feel the sound of my tears; I could see the stench of my heartache. Why was this happening, how does something so fantastic and so vivid come to such an abrupt end for no reason other  than life’s uncontrollable bullshit. And the irony of it considering that the one before him suffered a similar fate, coming to the realization that his life was out of balance; which apparently didn’t allow for any time or space for a relationship. And prior to him there was the tool who had just gotten out of an 8 year “thing”, and was clearly not ready to move on (why was he dating??). So as I sat on the edge of my bed wondering how I ended up in the seventh circle of emotional hell, I posed a question; Why was I consistently being dumped over a technicality, and how was it that out of all the men on the planet, I had become a magnet for those who are emotionally, phychologicaly and sometimes physically unavailable? Okay…two questions.

So  I posed the aforementioned to my thrapist, who proceeded to  answer me in the most inconvenient of ways…by asking ME questions. “How much time do you devote to yourself everyday?” He asked matter of factly. Popping my collar in confidence, I quickly replied “I always make sure to set aside time just for me.” “Doing what?”, he asked. Now slightly irritated, I snort “Look, I know its important to make time for me, so I go to the gym a lot, I read, I go for walks, I watch whatever movies I want, I cook, I drink wine.” “Wow,” he said. Those are all really great things.” Uh huh, wait for it. “ Its interesting though,” he continued, “that inspite of acknowledging the value of your own space and time, that you don’t feel your own self worth when it comes to men. Me: “What the Hell does that mean??! ”Him:  “Something within you is sending a signal that says “ I don’t feel worthy”, so you find yourself attracting and being attracted to men who are simply out of reach.  So tell me; When  did you stop believing that you are worthy of a man’s time?” Ummm...alrighty then.

I could feel the heat rising from the top of my head as I pondered, not the content of his question, but rather the implication that I was still somehow engrossed in this horrible realm of self loathing; that after all these years I was still seething over the pre-conceived notion of not being able to find a single ounce of worth in me. Really?????  But the truth of the matter is he’s right, I don’t feel I’m worthy of a man’s time or energy; never have. I mean why else would I put up with guys who are clearly wrapped up in their own lives and agendas? What could possibly be the appeal in being told I’m too busy for you, or that my life circumstance is far more important to me than you? Only a person with little or no self worth would ever accept that type of rejection over and over again.  Yeah, I did not see this one coming at all.

So it turns out that I actually know the origin of this warped thinking.  It stems from the first time I ever loved someone, back when I was just 15 years old. That someone looked at me like I was the most god awful ugly thing that ever lived. So I became grateful just to speak to him. I treasured every little acknowledgement he gave me as though he was doing me this tremendous favor by knowing that I existed. I kept that mindset years into our “friendship”, and even beyond it. That mindset followed me into my marriage, my divorce, and now even into my latter years. And even though that insecure little girl is physically long gone, her pain appears the very moment I allow myself to feel something for a man that I know is out of reach.  Yes, I said I know these men are out of reach. This isn’t some unconscious choice I’m making, I’m fully aware that these men can and will hurt me at some point because the main the qualities that are important to me I know they don’t posess. Its like I’m choosing them in order to validate my unworthiness, all because I allowed some 15 year old self absorbed asshole to treat me like I was the ugly duckling, get it? (No worries, I have zero hard feelings towards my friend, this is MY issue).

So now that I have found the source of my disturbed thinking, now what? Well,  the beauty of self discovery is that now I get to change this shit around for the better! Now, I must affirm on a daily basis that I am INDEED WORTH IT, and that any man within eye and ear range should consider it an honor just to be breathing the same air…okay, maybe not THAT extreme but you get the idea. I must believe what I already know…that I am very much worthy of all the love and time and energy that the RIGHT man has to give, and hopefully in time, I’ll get to experience it. Will this new thought process happen overnight, hell no; but at least I'm on the right track.  In the meantime, I'm gonna take time to focus on all the things I love about me. The goal here is that if I love what I see looking back at me in the mirror, that someday someone else will too. *Exhale*