Its early Saturday morning, June 18, 2011; two days before I celebrate another milestone. Yes, the time has come for me to say hello to the big 4-0. The first question that comes to my mind is "How in the hell did 39 years pass by so quickly??" There are so many vivid memories swirling around in my head that seem like they just occurred, and yet, most of them happened over 2 decades ago. That is crazy to me!! But alas, here I am turning the corner and heading straight down the road to .....Middle Age. *Sigh*. I've spent the past couple of weeks milling over a lot of things, and while sifting through my mental Rolodex I came across very poignant realization: each decade of my life has been a process and the life lessons learned in each decade has carried over into the next.
My teen years were just plain awkward. I mean, not only was I a complete troll, but I was also consumed by religion; so my entire perception of who I was just didnt make any sense. Here I was, this living, breathing, hormonal ugly specimen of a girl, trying to make her way through everyday life with no guidance whatsoever other than people reminding me of the things I shouldn't be doing. I remember having crushes on boys who wouldn't give me the time of day, the desire of wanting to be touched and kissed, and fearing that I was going to be condemned to Hell for having sexual thoughts. I remember feeling trapped, like there wasn't any place I could go where I could express my desires without burning in Hell for it. And then I was introduced to secular music. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't completely living under a rock. I knew who was hot and what was being played on the radio, but it was frowned upon to be listening to it so I didn't bother. But on a cool Fall afternoon in 1988, my then best friend and I were driving along in his yellow VW Beetle and the most beautifully haunting song came on. I asked him who this was and he said "This is Sting, and the song is called Fragile." That very moment sparked the beginning of my love for music and my entire life was transformed. I was turned on to Peter Gabriel, Genisis, Tori Amos, Alanis Morresette, Mi'shell N'dge Ocello, Enigma and the Art of Noise; just to name a few. And that led me to explore music from the past from Jazz greats like Ella, Sarah, Duke, Dizzy and Miles, to classic rock, to funk and soul. I found Heaven; I finally found a place to go where all of my hopes, my dreams, my desires, my passions and even my faith would be safe; a place where I would always be accepted. I don't think my friend ever knew what he did for me, and I never got the chance to say thank you, hopefully one day he'll read this and know what his purpose in my life was.
I spent my 20's trying to figure out how to be a grown up, stumbling around clueless about pretty much everything and struggling just to gain all of the basic needs for survival. This decade for me was truly about self identity and learning the in's and out's of what being a woman entails. My heart had a revolving door on it during this time, and there were way too many names and faces to even try and count. This was when I experienced true heartbreak and betrayal for the first time, and sadly enough was too young to know how to deal with it. I got a crash course in boundaries and when not to cross them. I learned that obession can cost you everything, and that there isn't an easy way to say let go of the familiar. I found my rebellious side, my alter ego was born and she took no prisoners. Oh, and let's not forget the insane amount of "greenery" that I was exposed to LOL. It was a bizarre decade, filled with memories both magical and morbid. But it was when I believe I learned the most about myself as a woman, with the help of a few good men :)
Now my 30's were truly epic. I did the most damage here, but in the best of ways. This was when I decided to take charge of my life and stop allowing others to dictate it for me. I moved out of state, went to school and got my first degree and began singing jazz and making a name for myself. I guess you could say my life purpose was finally starting to make sense, or so I thought. But then as with all things, I was completely derailed when I lost my mother. It just seems like life no longer had any color; it became bland and mundane and all of my relationships suffered because of it including my marriage. I had to learn how to find balance between the three constants of life: mind, body and spirit, and learn how to cater to each of them. I discovered solitude in this decade and while I was there I saw myself for the first time....and loathed what I saw. But over time, and with the help of a brilliant therapist, I was able to let go of all of my past faults, all of the failed attempts at love, all of the anger and resentment I harbored towards friends and loved ones and finally forgive myself. I learned what passion is and how to tap into it without being overcome by it. I learned to love my body and be comfortable in my skin, and NOT obsess over not being a size 6. I learned that life long friendships change because people change, and that it's okay to set them free. But I think the greatest lesson I learned is one that I guess I've known all my life but had to finally accept ; God loves me, no matter how much I've screwed up. He doesn't give a shit about how many tattooes I have, or the music I listen to, or the clothes I wear or even how full my little black book has gotten over the years. HE LOVES ME!! Damn all of the religious nonsense I was force fed over the years, no matter what, He has my back and as long as that fact remains true in my heart, then my three constants (mind, body, and spirit) will stay in balance.
So this is what I will be taking into my 40's. I cannot begin to tell you how excited I am to see what this decade will bring! All of the amazing women in my life who have already crossed this threshold have said the same thing; "Life truly begins at 40." That statement makes sense to me now, considering everything I've gone through to get to this point in my life; my kids growing up, the start of a new career that I love, and even opening myself up to love again. It truly does feel like now I can actually "live" my life instead of spending all my time trying to figure it out. So the moral of the this story is I'm BLESSED beyond words to have made it this far on my journey, and I look forward to what the next decade will bring me. Come on 40's, LET'S DO THIS!!!
I want to thank each of you who have been a part of my life this far, regardless of what the outcome of our interaction is or was, just know that you played a part in my becoming the woman I am today. And if you're brave enough to hang on for the next part of the saga, strap on and hold on tight :)
*CHEERS*
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